Al ben ik niet bij je
Al zijn we 2000 kilometer van elkaar vandaan
Ik voel je bij mij waar ik ook ga zal gaan
Al mijn miljoenen cellen herinneren zich jou om mij heen
Bij de gedachte aan jou omringt liefde mij meteen
Want ik hou van mij
Met al die cellen
Die cellen die voelen
Hoe ik ook hou van jou
Zodra je het deelt
Zoals wij zijn
Hier, daar, in jouw miljoenen cellen,
Die zich verbinden met die van mij,
Het is en het zal zijn.
Al ben ik niet bij je
Ik zal er altijd zijn
While working at a pretty nice place. It is a kind of old big terrain of a land lord, full of woods and most of all space. Now there are some building there from the healthcare facility where I work.
It is a facility for people with a disability mentally and physically. I most of the time work at the social working place during the day but also some times in the buildings where the clients life.
At the daycare there is a ashtray. The little birds have used the ash tray as a place to build their nest and lay their eggs.
Luckily they choose my ash tray so I marked it as not useable because it is used by birdies.
What a day. As maybe obvious when you read my last post I am processing some emotions at the moment. That I might call strong.
This day was look a short movie where all those emotions are about. I had an appointment with my ex father in law, our never truly father in law cause I am not married to my partner and this is his steph father but it is the man my partner grew up with.
He and the mother of my partner have a house in Greece two so they are also there a lot and also where there when we took a break.
The conversation today obviously also included my partner Greece the situation. The weather was gray wet and Dutch and I felt home sick to Greece.
After that I spoke to a friend who also went to Greece for some time and wants to go back very bad 2. He send me pictures and stuff. Also from my cats and dog. The baby chickens that are on the farm at the moment.
The beautiful view from my formal short but so beautiful lovely home.
I am okay. Being good for me good food some relaxation tomorrow making a good day at work again. 65 days to go before I go and visit Greece and my partner.
Looking forward, exited, stressed and scared as hell for that day we meet again.
What will we feel. How will we be. Will we have grown together or apart from each other. But hey just for today. Tomorrow is always a question.
64 tomorrow’s to go before we will know.
I don’t know if I can do this. I try. To go with the flow. Take it day by day. But this is not who I am or what I want.
If I love. I love deeply. I love intens. I love pure. Maybe extremely even.
But now 2000 km between us. The contact is in no way fulfilling for me. I miss you daily but I also miss being able to live.
I feel like I am on chains while not receiving love from my loved one and I don’t know what to do with this situation. It drives me insane in moments.
I have learned to calm myself down. To be okay with being alone, to be extra nice to myself, focusing on my feelings and what my body is telling me do. I listen and it works. I feel okay, I manage, I love me.
But even the self loving me. Even the me who depends on myself blindly even that me. Misses you around me.
Live if better when you share it together.
What is important in live. For me that’s me. And you.
Until we meet again.
It is so weird. After 8 years or almost 8,5 where from 7 years of living together being separated is such a weird thing. It was like learning to live all over again. Learning to do things alone again. I was grown on to you. It is a good thing we took some space although I still feel sad about the way it happened.
The first days where torture and i stopped being angry at you within hours and I think till today you are still mad at me. I am happy our contact is getting better but still it is so weird and hard that I can’t visit you right now.
I find it hard to imagine a future together. Everything is just so blurry right now. I know i love you and you love me but how are we not going to fall in to traps again. I grow. And I hear you grow but I don’t know because I cannot see you and it makes me so stressed out about visiting you in July . At the other side i can’t simply wait to see you and hold you and kiss you finally again.
Then again it is only for some days. But hey. It is some. That is more then what we had for the last 3 months.